It gets old, but watch out!

It gets a little old that sometimes our family members & friends shake their heads at the energy, volume, and determination of our kids.  I know that they are stubborn, cranky, loud & messy sometimes.  And I hear that most 'reasonable' people only have a couple of kids these days.  So sometimes we get asked 'how will you ever manage with 5 kids?'

Who cares?

The same way that we manage with 4?  It's not a death sentence.  Sure, there are times that I feel like hiding in the quiet pantry for a minute and eat the kids' halloween candy - but bedtime always comes each day.... maybe it's the junk food I want more than the quiet if I'm honest.

However....

I am biased, but our kids are reasonably well behaved for their ages and are a tonne of fun.  Someone was amazed that we took our kids camping - in a tent.... To me it's just a matter of perspective & willingness.  Why wouldn't we keep doing things that we love & enjoy them altogether?  And I make sure to leave them with someone else once or twice a year so that I can take my bride away from all of this craziness!!!

So I just tell these people: 'you better watch out when my kids are older.  They are gonna be leaders that rock the world'.

With the hearts & passions they have now, they might just rock it while they are young too.  And even if they don't, I'll still be behind them. 

Adopting an older child is reminding me to be aware of my expectations and whether they are realistic or not (for all of our kids).  So I can hope for the best and plan for the worst - they may do incredible things or they may finally move out of our home at 40 yrs old.  They may be a doctor or clean a doctor's office.  Either way, they've rocked & impacted my world in an amazing way.

I saw a quote while traveling a few months ago that really struck me.  It said:

"a father is someone who lifts you up and holds you there forever."

That's what I want to be.
With however many kids are in our family.
And whoever they end up being.

I.B.

An Adoption & an Immigration

Been having short, but good talks with my wife over the last few nights about adopting an older child. Seems like we are having them daily - sorry Super Lu! There's a lot to process & consider - especially for me since I don't work with child development or the medical field! Our range of acceptance is a sliding scale as each day passes, so today the child joining our family would be somewhere between 4-6.5 years old. For perspective sake, she/he could be kindergarten age now????


We're realizing that there is a lot of little things that we take for granted as a family that will need to be constantly explained to our next child. This is what is going to happen at birthday parties & why (so don't worry!).... This is why we go to Sparkles' ballet concert or Mario's soccer game.... This is what a brother means..... This is your room and YOU get to choose what's in it... This is what family vacation is.... This is our tradition at Easter or at Thanksgiving or at Christmas.... It gets really cold here, so this is why you need to wear your mittens (and this is what mittens are)....

Not only is it an adoption into a family, at this age it's also an immigration. I can feel a little stressed entering a new culture, I can't imagine what it would be like for a little one who can process what's going on (of course a baby notices, but on a different level). Foods & tastes will be noticeably different (beef is more of a staple here and not as common there). Smells are a lot different (hopefully they like pine trees...). Even some words are different even if they speak English! The trees are all different... Some of the dirt is a different colour... There's suddenly a lot of white faces around with weird accents..... There aren't wired/electrified fences around homes.... We have gophers instead of geckos.... If they've been out driving in a car much, they'll notice there is really no one walking on the side of the highway (quite different than where they live)....

And snow... That will be a really fun day to watch! As will the day they get to meet their 2 brothers & 2 sisters!

It's going to be difficult for them not to be over-stimulated when they come home! There's a lot of changes coming - we're trusting that we'll have the patience & grace to deal with them lovingly.


I.B.

On Being A Pawn

This could be a horrible illustration, but hopefully you get my point....

If the adoption world is a game of chess, as a waiting adoptive parent I feel like a pawn.

Let me be clear: I know adoption is not a game, and that the 'prize' is not a child.  The goal is bringing a child into our home, but it's not a game.

Most of us parents enter into the chess match feeling like we are a lot more in control than we really are.  Beyond trying to choose a country to adopt from, the gender of child you would like, what age range you are open to (there are limitations with this too), or what health issues you would consider, you really don't have a lot of say in the rest of process.  You can fight it a little & advocate, but in all honesty you are still limited in your control.  You are really more like a pawn.  A loving pawn with great intentions and fantastic dreams.  But still a pawn.

Not convinced?  The province tells you if you can even move beyond your starting space & then the social worker makes the decision whether or not you are capable of being a parent (and moving another space)....  

You are told to go here and get those checks completed (medical, financial, criminal, child abuse, etc.), then go there and fill out these forms (for your provincial government or immigration officials) and research & find a credible agency (to facilitate all the overseas work and deal with the thousands of problems you will never hear about - whenever possible, work with an agency that has a history of high level demonstrated integrity), and then wait.  And wait some more.  Until someone decides to advance you on the chess board.  You only ever move one square at a time.  There's no cruising through scenarios in leaps & bounds.  It's not about your level of determination, connections, abilities, hard work, or 'go get it' attitude.  You are the pawn.  It's one little step at a time - but only when someone keeps advancing you, because you don't have a say.  And that 'someone' who advances you on the board is always different, depending on what space you are at.

There is INCREDIBLE importance in just being a pawn.  Too many people have abused the system and even worse, abused children by thinking they should be moving all the pieces.  This is where corruption, evil and misrepresentation come in; it comes when people try to circumvent the process both at the local family level & agency level & government level & orphanage level & _______.   So work with credible people, follow proper protocol, and research (very well) the people you do have a choice in working with!

There are so many people involved, who is the person moving the pieces in this chess set?  Aside from God, I don't think there is one.  There are probably at least a dozen - all with different priorities, areas of focus, and agendas... and holidays that always seem to come at inconvenient times for waiting parents!  You are at the mercy & subject to the integrity of these strangers.  There are days where it seems like a miracle that international adoption happens at all.  But, this is why there are important laws & agreements in place.

Just stop and think about how many people are involved in so many different areas to facilitate one child being embraced into a loving family.  To even get our documentation out of province, we had 3 people working with our entire file (+ all those people who we saw to get checks done - doctors, police officers, interpol, social workers, notaries, etc.)  Then afterward, add in the immigration officials here in Canada + agency staff + overseas social workers & their employer + overseas immigration officials + overseas government officials + overseas judge + overseas clerks updating & filing adoption records + passport makers + __________.....   Then add in all of the people who are trying to support you & resource you...  It's really incredible that all of these pieces somehow work together (not to mention sometimes in different languages).

That's why I think that in the end, we are just a pawn.

UNTIL.....
you reach the other side of the board and bring your little queen or knight home.  Then it's the greatest thing in the world to be a pawn!  And you realize why it's so important to not be able to meddle or direct things.

Being 'just' a pawn means that children are more protected and that you have security & confidence in the legitimacy & need of your little one joining your family.

It still sucks being a pawn sometimes, but it's extremely important to be one in this process & nothing else.

Because this is ALL ABOUT THE KIDS, not the adults.

I.B.

Modeling & Mentoring

Had a great time with one of my mentor's a week ago!  He's clearly out of my league on a lot of levels (has his doctorate, distinguished career in academia, and about 45 years older than me).  I've been meeting with him for over 10.5 years (and another man for over 8 years as well).

If you don't have any mentors in your life, go find one.  Today.  Someone who is 'ahead' of you in some or all areas of life.  Someone to give you counsel, challenge your thoughts & assumptions, someone who genuinely cares about you no matter what you accomplish (or don't), and someone to encourage you & model a walk of faith with Christ and who will build into you.

I've already distracted you from finding a mentor for 20 seconds too long....  Go find one.  Seriously.

And the rest of the story for when you come back:
He was asking how the adoption plans were going & how the wait was going - so I shared about all the reading we've been doing about attaching & bonding with an 'older' child.  Then he mentioned a little word I had not put much thought to yet - which probably seems like an obvious one.  Modelling.  Yep - he wanted me to do a photo shoot right there in the restaurant....

I had not considered that the son or daughter who is coming into our family may have no idea what a mom or dad looks like.  I'm used to infants or babies joining our family.  There's a good chance that our next child will have had 4-6 years without a dad or a day to day example of what that is.  And it occurred to me how important the consistent and everyday experiences are in a child's formation (and mine!).  Since most baby homes that we've heard of are mainly staffed with women, #5 may not have seen a dad or a significant & consistent male presence - let alone a loving one that is not going to change in a few months.  It's a good thing I'm used to having my life on display constantly - initially with my profession & then with being a conspicuous family.  I wonder with an older child if there will be times that they just sit & stare/watch....  At least it's been brought to my attention ahead of time so that I don't stop, stare back & wonder if there's something wrong with me...

The other realization I had was that I am fortunate to have some people modelling in my life - which is why a mentor is so important.  The man I had lunch with this week has done a lot of modelling for me.  I'm comfortable hugging another man because of him.  And when I tell a couple of the guys I mentor that I love them and am behind them, it's because I had someone who has done that for me.  And now I finally realize why he smiles whenever he sees me - because I smile whenever I see a guy I mentor (it's a kind of pride & affection that's hard to explain since you know both their extreme failings & their achievements & who they are at their core).  And I can offer to those guys the same thing that was offered to me: "call whenever you need, no matter what time of day or night, and I will be there for you.  And I will be here no matter what - whether you decide to sell baseball cards for a career or lead the world, I am here to invest in & support you."

That's had an impact on they way I approach fatherhood too - with a similar tone of support & 'no matter what'.  I see God that way toward me -  and my mentors reflect a  little of that.  My other mentor/coach is only 25ish years older than me & lives quite far away.  I emailed him in October that I really needed to discuss something and he was online talking with me over the computer within 3 hours of sending the email.  Pretty amazing to have people like this in my life.

So, if nothing else, get a mentor.
And be one for someone else.

And if you are of the inclination, pray your face off that I might be a capable father & model to #5 (along with our other kids)!
I.B.

Help on the weekend

Here's a quick shot of the work on the house over the weekend.  That's poly going on the roof for my vapour barrier.  We got most of the roof of the main floor finished and some of the walls.  The 'we' was FIL, Putz, & myself.  Tackleberry also showed up in time from Calgary to help for a few hours too.  Expert was on hand as well for some days as a hired hand doing electrical.  I think our latest night was 10:45, so not too bad.  Fortunately I don't have to do this to the basement because I installed ICF - it's warmer & less labor but a little more cost (but I did it myself with some hired help). 

Just for reference, these are 6 foot+ guys standing on a closet and the top of the extension ladder in our entry way - so they're actually fairly high up compared to what the picture looks like.

Maybe I'll do a photo tour sometime soon so you can get a feel for the place.

p.s. It's officially cold again.... -25C overnight.

Later!

I.B.