On Being A Pawn

This could be a horrible illustration, but hopefully you get my point....

If the adoption world is a game of chess, as a waiting adoptive parent I feel like a pawn.

Let me be clear: I know adoption is not a game, and that the 'prize' is not a child.  The goal is bringing a child into our home, but it's not a game.

Most of us parents enter into the chess match feeling like we are a lot more in control than we really are.  Beyond trying to choose a country to adopt from, the gender of child you would like, what age range you are open to (there are limitations with this too), or what health issues you would consider, you really don't have a lot of say in the rest of process.  You can fight it a little & advocate, but in all honesty you are still limited in your control.  You are really more like a pawn.  A loving pawn with great intentions and fantastic dreams.  But still a pawn.

Not convinced?  The province tells you if you can even move beyond your starting space & then the social worker makes the decision whether or not you are capable of being a parent (and moving another space)....  

You are told to go here and get those checks completed (medical, financial, criminal, child abuse, etc.), then go there and fill out these forms (for your provincial government or immigration officials) and research & find a credible agency (to facilitate all the overseas work and deal with the thousands of problems you will never hear about - whenever possible, work with an agency that has a history of high level demonstrated integrity), and then wait.  And wait some more.  Until someone decides to advance you on the chess board.  You only ever move one square at a time.  There's no cruising through scenarios in leaps & bounds.  It's not about your level of determination, connections, abilities, hard work, or 'go get it' attitude.  You are the pawn.  It's one little step at a time - but only when someone keeps advancing you, because you don't have a say.  And that 'someone' who advances you on the board is always different, depending on what space you are at.

There is INCREDIBLE importance in just being a pawn.  Too many people have abused the system and even worse, abused children by thinking they should be moving all the pieces.  This is where corruption, evil and misrepresentation come in; it comes when people try to circumvent the process both at the local family level & agency level & government level & orphanage level & _______.   So work with credible people, follow proper protocol, and research (very well) the people you do have a choice in working with!

There are so many people involved, who is the person moving the pieces in this chess set?  Aside from God, I don't think there is one.  There are probably at least a dozen - all with different priorities, areas of focus, and agendas... and holidays that always seem to come at inconvenient times for waiting parents!  You are at the mercy & subject to the integrity of these strangers.  There are days where it seems like a miracle that international adoption happens at all.  But, this is why there are important laws & agreements in place.

Just stop and think about how many people are involved in so many different areas to facilitate one child being embraced into a loving family.  To even get our documentation out of province, we had 3 people working with our entire file (+ all those people who we saw to get checks done - doctors, police officers, interpol, social workers, notaries, etc.)  Then afterward, add in the immigration officials here in Canada + agency staff + overseas social workers & their employer + overseas immigration officials + overseas government officials + overseas judge + overseas clerks updating & filing adoption records + passport makers + __________.....   Then add in all of the people who are trying to support you & resource you...  It's really incredible that all of these pieces somehow work together (not to mention sometimes in different languages).

That's why I think that in the end, we are just a pawn.

UNTIL.....
you reach the other side of the board and bring your little queen or knight home.  Then it's the greatest thing in the world to be a pawn!  And you realize why it's so important to not be able to meddle or direct things.

Being 'just' a pawn means that children are more protected and that you have security & confidence in the legitimacy & need of your little one joining your family.

It still sucks being a pawn sometimes, but it's extremely important to be one in this process & nothing else.

Because this is ALL ABOUT THE KIDS, not the adults.

I.B.