Had a great time with one of my mentor's a week ago! He's clearly out of my league on a lot of levels (has his doctorate, distinguished career in academia, and about 45 years older than me). I've been meeting with him for over 10.5 years (and another man for over 8 years as well).
If you don't have any mentors in your life, go find one. Today. Someone who is 'ahead' of you in some or all areas of life. Someone to give you counsel, challenge your thoughts & assumptions, someone who genuinely cares about you no matter what you accomplish (or don't), and someone to encourage you & model a walk of faith with Christ and who will build into you.
I've already distracted you from finding a mentor for 20 seconds too long.... Go find one. Seriously.
And the rest of the story for when you come back:
He was asking how the adoption plans were going & how the wait was going - so I shared about all the reading we've been doing about attaching & bonding with an 'older' child. Then he mentioned a little word I had not put much thought to yet - which probably seems like an obvious one. Modelling. Yep - he wanted me to do a photo shoot right there in the restaurant....
I had not considered that the son or daughter who is coming into our family may have no idea what a mom or dad looks like. I'm used to infants or babies joining our family. There's a good chance that our next child will have had 4-6 years without a dad or a day to day example of what that is. And it occurred to me how important the consistent and everyday experiences are in a child's formation (and mine!). Since most baby homes that we've heard of are mainly staffed with women, #5 may not have seen a dad or a significant & consistent male presence - let alone a loving one that is not going to change in a few months. It's a good thing I'm used to having my life on display constantly - initially with my profession & then with being a conspicuous family. I wonder with an older child if there will be times that they just sit & stare/watch.... At least it's been brought to my attention ahead of time so that I don't stop, stare back & wonder if there's something wrong with me...
The other realization I had was that I am fortunate to have some people modelling in my life - which is why a mentor is so important. The man I had lunch with this week has done a lot of modelling for me. I'm comfortable hugging another man because of him. And when I tell a couple of the guys I mentor that I love them and am behind them, it's because I had someone who has done that for me. And now I finally realize why he smiles whenever he sees me - because I smile whenever I see a guy I mentor (it's a kind of pride & affection that's hard to explain since you know both their extreme failings & their achievements & who they are at their core). And I can offer to those guys the same thing that was offered to me: "call whenever you need, no matter what time of day or night, and I will be there for you. And I will be here no matter what - whether you decide to sell baseball cards for a career or lead the world, I am here to invest in & support you."
That's had an impact on they way I approach fatherhood too - with a similar tone of support & 'no matter what'. I see God that way toward me - and my mentors reflect a little of that. My other mentor/coach is only 25ish years older than me & lives quite far away. I emailed him in October that I really needed to discuss something and he was online talking with me over the computer within 3 hours of sending the email. Pretty amazing to have people like this in my life.
So, if nothing else, get a mentor.
And be one for someone else.
And if you are of the inclination, pray your face off that I might be a capable father & model to #5 (along with our other kids)!
I.B.
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