Whenever I talk with guys who are struggling with wanting or ready to be a dad, I remember some of the conversations I had with one of my mentors between 2002-04. Lloyd has got 40+ years on me, so his wisdom & perspective are always welcome!
A few years into marriage, I really wasn't sure I wanted to have kids. When we were first married I thought I'd like 6-10. Maybe it was just a joke so that I could buy a 15 passenger van and make it into a 'dually'. You know, with 2 back tires on either axle? And maybe dvd players & a fridge. Very soon after though, I didn't want ANY kids. It was a dark thought, but I seriously wondered why I would want to bring more souls into this world to experience pain and that would run the risk of being separated from God. And even more than that, selfishly I honestly didn't think I had enough capacity for love in me. I thought that loving my wife was maxing out my ability (she's awesome - I just didn't think I had much in me!). Beyond that, I should never be asked to help out with a nursery or children's programs or elementary school.
In the space of a few weeks, it seemed like God was addressing my fears thru Lloyd and another father (Norm - who told me he wished he never let money or plans get in the way of having more kids - even though he had 4 already), and the book of Malachi. So my heart was changed somewhat dramatically in the space of under a month. After we had Sparkles, I discovered that I could love another (and not at the expense of loving my wife like I had feared). But I still thought that was the maximum. How could I possibly love yet another? Then we had Mario. And I had no more excuses!
So now Lloyd laughs & smiles with me whenever we talk about my kids (and every time that I share with him that we are expanding our family further - which seems like every year....).
I honestly thought I was done having kids after Spark Plug came along. At that time, 3 seemed like a good place to stop. For us, the transition from 2 to 3 kids was the most difficult. But I committed to my wife that I would keep praying about it and try to be open to the option and she committed to not bringing it up TOO much. It would inevitably come up and we'd talk about it, only to find that we were still in very different places.
We do something every time a child enters our family - we put a moratorium on talking about having more kids for a certain period of time. It's usually only 6-7 months - time enough to get into a routine, find some sleep, recover from hormones, etc. That meant that after Spark Plug, Super Lu was waiting for over 18 months past that point. If you know me & Super Lu, then you know that's an insane amount of time for us to wait & make a decision. Then God changed my heart in a day. Literally. And I don't say that lightly.
All the while that we were praying about whether to have another child, I had been praying about something else as well because of a question I asked based on studying Nehemiah 1-2 in the OT. It was simply 'what do I have to leverage for something after God's heart?' Literally a year & a half question that I had been struggling with. Because I thought I had already been doing that! So there's some pre-amble....
And here's 'the one day' in simplest terms: My wife & I were at a leadership conference together and heard someone share briefly about their adoption experience. We both looked at each other (we still remember where we were sitting) and instantly knew that adoption was how we were suppose to expand our family next. All of the sudden I went from being against having more kids, to instantly being willing to dive into the adoption process (and sometimes get my paperwork for it finished faster than Super Lu). And instantly I knew at least one answer to 'the leverage' question: we had a stable, loving family that loved God that was more than willing to accept another family member - no matter where they were from. And we had a little bit of influence & some ability to try new things to raise awareness about the orphan crisis in our world. That's what we had to leverage.
We had talked at various times in our marriage about fostering or maybe adopting and had sponsored kids over the years, but everything changed that day.
One day.
I guess all God needs is a single moment. That's either really encouraging or really scary.
FYI - our 'moratorium' for considering child #5 lasted all of 2 weeks after meeting Dude. So much for 6-7 months at minimum! And so much for wondering whether I could love someone else in my family beyond my wife!
The leverage question came up again shortly after we met Dude and led us to leverage & be open to more. But that's another post sometime...
I.B.
No comments:
Post a Comment